Feeling totally and utterly nuts

Hello all – I have ,quit smoking nowquit smoking roughly a hundred thousand times in the past five or six months – okay, maybe a slight exaggeration; still on average, once a week, I say: ‘no more – now I’m ready – you have to be ready to quit smoking and now I’m ready, I am not going to smoke another cigarette ever again’….then three hours later, or half a day,Herbal cigarettes, or maybe even a few days if I’ve been lucky – I pick up a smoke again. I do this process again and again and I just can’t seem to shrug the things off. Has anyone else had experience of repeated failure, failing to quit so bad that it has a horrible effect on ones mood, causes anxiety, confusion, frustration, anger, hopelessness – all adjectives for the feelings that failing has caused me. Anyone else felt like that after failing so many times?What scares me most is that I am a heavy smoker. I smoke 20 a day easy. I love smoking. I fear that I will become boring if I stop. I have always valued and admired people who smoke. Happy healthy shinny healthy people have always bored me. I know this attitude needs to change as well. This post is garbled I am sorry, just trying to work it all out.I have not had a cigg since last night. I must go on. But I just have this horrible DREAD that I’ll start again.