Quitting phobia

I'm a 23-year-old female who's been smoking regularly for eight years, on and off for a further 3. At my very worst I smoked 60 a day, at present I think that figure is closer to 30 although I don't keep tabs. I've tried quitting numerous times and failed. There were times when I managed two weeks cigarette free, other when I managed just half a day. Either way it's been hard. However it seems to have become harder to quit with each failed attempt, so much so that I've developed a 'phobia' off quitting. I'm asthmatic, I have terrible sinusitis, I have constantly irritated gum and I suffer from hiatus hernia and GERD - see a pattern? All these conditions would improve immensely if only I quit smoking. However the very thought makes me feel heady, anxious and petrified. As much as I want to live into old age,Herbal cigarettes, the thought of quitting terrifies me MORE that dying of an asthma attack stroke,stop smoking now, heart attack, cancer or the like.And yet here comes the twist: I'm obsessed I'm going to fall very ill any time soon because of all cigarettes I've smoked in my brief life. At the slightest sign of a headache I'm convinced I'm having a stroke. Any kind of chest pain I have (usually resulting from my GERD/hiatus hernia), I associate with a heart attack. And so on. Things have come to a head now. I'm expected to quit by October after a specialist told me my asthma is getting worse. I've even been prescribed Champix as an aid but I daren't touch them because I'm simply too afraid to let go of a habit that's killing me. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of leaving behind. I just am. Call my barmy, but coming off cigarettes, to me, feels like considering that a long-time boyfriend I love very much wants to break up with me.I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to quit because I'm scared of falling ill/dying, but I'm to scared to quit because I'm terrified I'll get anxiety so bad I'll top myself. I'm not even quite sure WHY I'm posting this. I just thought it would be helpful if I intend to quit.Hello everyone and bear with me if that didn't make much sense!